‘Hilarious Facebook Status’

The longer the title the less important the job.

I shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there

It’s usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

To marry means to reduce your rights and double your duties

I’m not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing.

Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver :P

Disappointments are just God’s way of saying “I’ve got something better.” Be patient, live life, have faith.

Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

HELLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, the smell is unbearable!!!

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

If a person tells a notorious and improbable lie, the best way is to match it with one still greater

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on

Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. – Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Car is not a luxury, but a means of transport

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”