‘Hilarious Facebook Status’

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself.

Making me happy doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually your presence is just enough.

I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. – One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” – The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

soo the oil leak finally stopped,way to go Obama..took you long enough

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

God died for our sins, so if you don’t sin god died for nothing.

My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.

Distance should not be a factor in a relationship but communication, trust and commitment should be.

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation.

Live in such a way, that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it.

Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can do what others can’t.

Creditors have better memory than debtors

“911 operator what’s your emergency” “Are ya’ll hiring?”

Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.