‘Hilarious Facebook Status’

You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

HELLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, the smell is unbearable!!!

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

If a person tells a notorious and improbable lie, the best way is to match it with one still greater

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on

Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. – Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Car is not a luxury, but a means of transport

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself.

Making me happy doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually your presence is just enough.

I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. – One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” – The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

soo the oil leak finally stopped,way to go Obama..took you long enough

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

God died for our sins, so if you don’t sin god died for nothing.